The Sun is also an Influencer

Rise and buy. 
Round and Round. 
Sparkle and blind. 
absolute monarch of our stars

We 
voicelessly spinning 

towards the unknown
time burns

away the grips of space

passionate kisses of lava 

heating the glow of our souls

painting with flames

light brushes of blinding beams

Our

incongruencies settle
the pressure to bask warmly 

in the bosom of God's glory

reflecting white and blue wetness 

undimmable

cuddled in majestic swirls 

shimmering royalty

streaks of swirling firmament and

marvel

breathtakingly gaze upon

the miracle of the milky way pulsing through you

and us

until 

the flow chokes 

fire spilling 
formation halts 

bang 

begins 

gasps

and again

Nine-hundred Ninety Three

 I guess it's because this feeling is so familiar...

As soon as I relax into hopefulness, I am reminded how unlikely it is for me to be truly seen and kept in the care of anyone other than me. 

But it's so fun. 

To hope to feel jiggly inside a the prospect of unveiling myself as I yank off welded pieces of this mask soldered onto my thick skin. 

Now my skin is bare. The wounds didn't have enough time to air out. The grafts could heal any quicker than I snapped shut back into the shell that keeps my soul protected.  

I'm dizzy. warped. because I should have seen this coming. I should have known that there is no peace in my weary wandering world. No embrace waiting on my arrival. No one searching my name for old messages or LinkedIn updates looking for a glimpse into my life. 

Fading into the darkness of the smallness inside of me. I retreat into my own chilly paradise with artificial light sources and dampening cheeks, tears on a stroll toward the ground where I lay my head. Maybe I'm not alone. but I am ghostly sliding through walls without a trace of gloom or glee...

This is just how it's meant to be. fun and done 

 

Good Soup.

 I am always in the mood for soup. But I'm trying to have a responsible level of restraint. Not only are the financial implications small but costly over time, but I'm certain there aren't enough nutrients in the veggies and noodles to justify the amount of sodium I'm consuming. 

I wish I could just have it my way... I wish that there wasn't a tug of "shoulds" stopping me from going after something that I am certain I will enjoy. I could wait. I could reward myself at a later time, after I've sacrificed enough or maybe even compensated with duplicates. Something to scratch the itch, while I practice patience.  

I have to think about the future. I have to think about the future. I have to think... 

Am I thinking too much, could I reframe my thoughts and look at this as an investment in my joy over an expense taking away from my responsibilities. 

How is this different than buying 30 bags or grain-free tortillas at Costco for $17. How is this different than needing to have $25 lip balm from Sephora. 

How is this compared to a $600 a night stay at a hotel in a city far away or a $200 concert ticket from the coolest rapper ever? 

Why is it so easy to deny myself simple joys, and flippantly make decisions for bigger grander joys? 

I really want soup. But it's easier to ignore my desires, because that's what I should do. 

Have self-control. Discipline. The end goal is in sight... 

right? 

Succulent

 I remember being a young girl scanning any room I was in. Classrooms church halls, skating rings—anyplace all the time Ranking myself compared to the other young girls there. In the top spot there was a skinny yellow toned girl one with long fluffy hair and dark full lashes. Legs that weren’t stumpy but slender… they made gym shorts look fashionable. Then there was a brown skinned girl with neat braids and figured like a girl from music videos, she had it all, and all of us wanted it. We wanted the trendy jeans and the puffy coat cropped so you wouldn’t miss the cool curves that arrived before ours could. These two were almost always close friends. Then there was the eccentric girl unlike any of us. Maybe she could draw or jump high or play games we didn’t. She didn’t care about anyone, especially the boys and we envied her nonchalant beauty. Baggy jeans and dirty chucks but still somehow soft and precious like she deserved to be cared for.

I would fall somewhere way after. After the girls with lighter skin and longer hair and smaller waists. I would file in after the girl who balanced smart and pretty effortlessly. The one whose mom only straightened her hair once or twice a year for a trim, behind her glasses she was just as beautiful as a model vacationing in Milan for the summer.

I always saw myself as plain. Plain but interesting My interest and my personality were the only things I knew how to manipulate. I didn’t understand how to do my hair nicely or what to wear that was flattering and cool. I couldn’t change the circumference of my thighs, are the fullness of my nose, no matter how hard I tried. I could listen and adapt I could see that I was not great but not that bad either and hopefully I’ll make my way to the winners circle with charm—a personality hire.

I never felt like someone should see me as a precious priority. That I was worth someone’s public affection or gently gestures, I always felt comfortable seeking connection in secret. After-hours or hidden away on the sidelines.

In the rare instances desire made it’s way to me, I took control of the organic interaction and sprinkled it with distractions and artificial fertilizer…hoping that it would grow. Instead, it died quickly—an overwatered cactus. Wilted and decayed but I placed it on the mantel collecting more and more and more. Learning from each failed attempt…becoming wiser in my manipulation. I can finally keep life alive. But the fruit it bears isn’t sweet or nutritious. To me it is better than no fruit at all. But is rot better than famine?

Have I been nourishing myself with poison? Surprised that I have not grown stronger.

When the crop I rely on for definition will surely wither if I don’t center it’s care and feeding, I spend my time in fear.

Seen.

Kindness and insecurity make being a black woman a little easier. 

The path that has less shards and boulders. the pavement is barely cracked. 

If you can find a smile to help you tuck in their fears

Divert their assumptions with meekness 

Just wait until you gently shut the door to scream 

face burrowed in a thick pillow.

take the 1-2-3-ahhhh. 

inhale until it gets foggy. 

 

and let go. 

When you come back invite the brightness back into the room--even if it doesn't reach your eyes 

the color that looks "so good on your skin"

say the thing that makes you sound "so articulate"

wear the style that their "hair could never do"

you can be yourself. wait 

just wait. 

T.B.B: Freedman's Bureau

Battle after battle 

I'm just trying to survive 

to outlast the blasts of despair

out of nowhere spies 

holding the line 

so you can't reach me

protecting 

my treasure. my mind 

It is bloody, I'm battered 

purple and warped from the constant fight

shattered bruises but standing 

wobbly knees 

heart 

hands and I can't 

see through the smoke 

How can I know that I am fighting 

my enemy 

my inner me 

infiltrating my soul's energy 

I can't be 

really this fucked up

love should be enough 

I do, right? 

share that feeling inside

my inner light 

Or am I at war for you 

marching with ruined shoes

gravel in every crack 

or do I really lack 

attention 

affection 

 direction to know 

where else am I supposed to go. 

Running fast. 

but breathe. breathe.

Here's good. It feels safe again 

I'll armor up again 

ready for the fight again 

this time I'll be fine

this time I'll be just fine

VII Roads to Heaven

 

I began the day

lighter

than I’ve been in years—

hopeful.

But then you tugged,

and suddenly it flew open.

the closet door

where I’d stuffed away

the mess

I thought I’d hidden.

You wanted to be amused,

but I’ve outgrown

our recesses—

those brief,

shallow

hours

where I used to frolic.

This idea of me—

the fun one,

the persistent curiosity—

has dissolved

into steam.

A cloudy,

puffy,

congealing, 

certainty.

And when the time

and the air

are right,

the tears

will fall—

happily.

And I will have

a rainbow

to adorn myself.

A reminder of pain,

yes—

but with seven

little

roads

to heaven.

Ooh, hey.

I know where I would like to go, and I can see back way way back to the place I've traveled. 

But these next steps are heavier than the last ones were. this next one will take me on a different route 

toward my land of milk and honey--a freedom so smooth and bright.

I'm stuck in the heaviest sand and I stand here drowning, the life raft dangles in a distance; 

Will I grab onto it? Will I fear that the rope may pop 

And I'll be forced to let go and sink quicker than I thought possible.  

But... What if I'm lifted up onto the boat and the journey becomes a floating ride 

Over riptides and currents through storms around desolate lands? 

What if this gets me where I'm going safer, dryer...me-er? 

The first step is to believe. beyond the logical puzzles in my mind's eye

Believe in my beating drum that even if make a wrong move

it's useful for my growth, it's food storage for the journey. 

Perseverance...the metabolized energy in my belly's light for the fight of  my life's purpose 

I have to let go of the mirage of control, and be both rooted and one with wind

And breathe out my fears truth seeping from my tongue 

Spend the extra time in a dreamer's state 

and exchange the strain of worry for the currency of hope. 

And then I'll begin again.

Cabernet Dreams

 Do you ever get splashed by waves of despair? 

Like a tsunami of grief coming towards the foundation of resilience that you've built?

Maybe it comes and goes as easily as a swift wind or maybe it lingers around like a quiet storm.

Drowning out joy or hope.

There are times where I feel like I'm misplaced in the environment I've found myself surrounded by. 

Alone in the crowded room with dated carpet and cheaply made expensive mahogany furniture. 

No matter how many places I go, I always come back here. back home in a place I've never fully 

loosened my boots that are holding me up and my dignity down. 

In this moment where my personal clouds are forming causing redness in the plains of my eyes when I'm staring at the brink of water spilling down the groves of my cheeks... where do I go? 

First. I'll write. 

Finding my voice in a way that is most natural. 

Then I'll breathe. I might even saunter for a moment under the warmth of the sun. 

Ground myself in knowing the life I yearn for is within reach--and reason. 

Try to convince myself that I can believe in my own creativity and talent. 

Even though this moment, this place proves the opposite. 

I see the artists that inspire me. The free ones who wear funky colors and spend money to feel as

beautiful as their imagination believes. 

The free ones who see rules as guidelines for how to counteract. 

Who unafraid, show up for the vision in their hearts and decide for themselves what is most valued. 

After spending some time in California I realized yet again that it is time for me to refocus. 

Let go of the truth that there is a force that controls the rain...

I learn to love it's presence 

and splash in muddy puddles. 

Auguste Rodin

 Moral Relativity. 

I've been gnawing on my opinion on this theory for years

As I've always just relied on the premise that the definition of right and wrong is dependent on the person, place, circumstance. That there are cultural differences that should be able to define the morality of the participants of  the culture, but there is one factor that I can not wrap my mind around. 

Power. 

Often, the defining authority of the culture lies on it's figure head--whether a living member or deity.  And there are inevitable influences that impact their decision making or viewpoint. Sometimes, people in power are driven by the conquest of more power, domination, or money...influencing the society or culture they are powered by towards behavior that is destructive justifying violence or the eradication of other cultures that are deterrents to the progress of their motives. 

How does moral relativity account for power hungry morally indignant dictators who have amassed enough power to change the behavior of a culture? A culture that overtime devalues equality and joy of the entirety of humanity...

There has to be rules, buckets, definitions objective truths that we recognize as "natural" so that humanity can lessen the amount of destruction that we cause one another.   

I think the appealing part of relativism is my assumption that people as a global society are inherently good and will act in a way that is best for them for survival. What I fail to hold true is that there are people that are motivated by evil. That evil can preside over cultures and countries for many eras. 

Here are my objective truths: 

Compassion- Although my actions might not bring everyone joy, I am mindful that there is a force within us all that is trying to survive. That force I am humble to and I respect within each of us. I will always try and pause to recognize that way we express survivability is different. 

Love- Universally, I am driven by our shared place in this moment in time and space... I foster no hatred for co-habitants and hope to grow my ability to see everyone as someone special to love.

Acceptance- Personally, I can not alter the external factors I find myself, or the past circumstances that influenced my present experience. How I move forward is my focus. Accepting that the outcome of my life will forever remain unknown is a like marvelous thriller novel, each page I turn knowing that there is an end to this saga thus it will be peace. 

These three principles are thoughts that are not fully formed, but I am eager to ponder on them and develop them as I continue to mature. 

What I know for sure is there is good and there is bad and there is agency that we all as human should employ to determine how each other behaviors fall into those categories. I am abhorred by the concept of judgement but I am curious about accountability and openness to change if that will improve the lived experience for the collective human kind. 

I love this 

Starry Nights

 Have you ever felt the need to know what someone else is thinking? 

Specifically, what they think about you. 

What would you do with that information? 

If you could hear what people say about you when you weren't around... 

do you think, perhaps, you would alter your behavior? 

If you could see how you were perceived, would you stop and think before acting? 

For me, the answer for all of these questions is yes. capital YES. 

and I'm doing a lot of work to shift that resounding yes into a hushed indifference. 

I wish I could turn a blind eye to the knowledge that people will have an opinion of me that does not match my reality. 

They don't know what motivates me, they don't know what my deepest desires are. 

They can't help me get to where I want to go internally.

They don't really know me--I'm still trying to figure me out. 

I suppose that's what I am spending my time doing in life. 

Experimenting. 

I hopes of locating joy and peace and love. 

But often, there comes the distraction of voices--perceived and made known of what I should be doing, or what is best for a situation like mine or even doubts about my agency or decision making process. 

Instead of seeing those things for what they are... projections. 

I have a tendency to hold it as truth.  I believe that the perceiver is the one who holds the truth to the way things actually are. 

But Einstein told us.. He told us those many years ago, how perception can shift based on a number of factors... 

While time and space mean less to me as a layman than experience and goals, we are all in different places in the universe going at various speeds towards different destinations. 

I know in my heart that I trust in who I am and why I decide things in my life. I know it, but I am learning to be confident and trust in it through faith through stillness and through reflection.

I am made of the same stardust as the majesties in the universe the stars that burn millions of miles away; I am breathing the same molecules as our foremothers whole paved the ground for this foundation in which I stand. 

I am a soul experiencing the magic of life just as my neighbors have the opportunity to. Letting go of shame that mistakes try to hold onto and knowing that the lessons are currency exchange for the wisdom that I am gaining. 

I am earning my wisdom no longer do I want to perform perfection; I want my life to be chiseled into shape with intuition and freedom and love and faith and confidence. 

That will be my masterpiece. 

Egyptian Cotton

Exhaling is the only medicine I need right now. 

You know how you can feel so sick and icky, and you go to the doctor 

Hoping that they'll know how to take the pain away, to help you feel better 

and all they do is tell you to rest and drink fluids...

That's how I feel right now. 

Constantly reeling. Hoping for relief from the spiraling thoughts, despair and confusion/ 

And all that I know how to do is breath. move my body and of course... 

write. 

It's been over ten years since I've visit this writing space. 

A haven for me before the possibility of monetization or potential to become a mogul on the internet. 

This blog. 

The very raw very real very ridiculous emotions of the girl that found everything curious. 

I can't describe how good it feels to be here. 

I think I'm officially a grown-up. 

I have a family and a job... too many responsibilities. 

and plenty of anxiety. 

Despite life's attempts to mold me into a pretty shape, which sharp edges

I've managed to maintain the essence of who I am. 

I think that's the root of some of my worries. 

Am I really so far away from who I thought I'd be? 

The girl who barely combed her hair and blasted Devin the Dude. Is she proud of the person I am? 

And when I think that girl was always an overachiever, she was always doing the "right thing"

But she also did her own thing. 

Just like I'm doing now. 

I'm reading this gnarly book. 'The Bood Keeps the Score' by this guy with a long Dutch name. 

And I'm totally locked in. He's dedicated his life to helping us make sense of our brains. 

He recounts so many ways we adjust our behavior and our thinking to stay alive to stay as safe as possible even when outside factors can't be controlled. 

Our brains and our bodies have a way of reaching towards the sun--like a sunflower. 

Through trauma and abuse and fear and loss, we still try 

Sometimes subconsciously, often times despite our best efforts, we survive. 

And that reminder, this detailed proclamation that my body is there for me, is humbling. 

I can't help but pause in gratitude, take a deep breath and feed it what it needs--oxygen. And let it all out into the world. 

I've been really wrapped up in looking for the external validation that I am cared for or protected and understood, but I really needn't to look any further that my own reflection. 

These hands I have that offer up my thoughts, my mouth I use to advocate for weirdos of the world. The love I give to everyone, That is more than enough to prove to myself that I am worthy of all of the glory life has to offer.  

So, no... I might not ever be understood--and you might not either. 

But I will forever stay curious. The possibilities are far too great to live within the limits of my current understanding. 

I stumbled upon a scripture today that is grounding for those of us who've struggle with abandonment issues: 

So like... what is this loneliness I feel? If there is a force protecting me, guiding me, seeing me, why haven't I noticed it?

What would happen if I realized that I am here because I have not been forgotten or left for dead. I am living because all of life's systems are working together for my good. 

However scary the path. I'm walking forward. Because I... 

ME. 

Adrian Shanay. 

Am loved, 

just the way I am. 

nononono

Its beautiful how my fingers dance on top of these buttons

This click clacking inspires me to say more. 

Listen to me. 

Thats all I want to say. 

I wish I had a larger voice, 

A voice that people loved to listen to. 

A voice that moves mountains... 

But whats stopping me from having one. 

Who says I don't 

Who says I can't influence cultures.

Thats my goal, 

To enlighten the world with my words. 

I want to share, Inspire, be heard. 

Ready to Die (an Ode to Biggie, Pac, and Dr. Maya Angelou)

I was inspired by an array of emotions brought upon the holidays and the celebration of Love...

Undying love, to me means to do so without limitations. 

The way my mother feels, and the way I feel for my wife. 

Love the way nobody else is supposed to understand. 

Here Goes.

.....

When I die none of this will matter. 

Not my bad hair days, 

Or my Instagram filters, 

Not which car I drive, 

Or how much money I have saved up, 

Not how many awards I receive 

Or who took my virginity

I will be dead and so will all the pettiness that keeps us occupied

Your color don't matter

Or the neighborhood you live in

Your GPA won't give you much soon after

Or your credit score 

Your six pack ain't important

Or your mile and half run time

All that matters is LOVE 

Love. 

Not your body, 

But your mind 

Not you net worth, 

But your smile 

Not your reputation 

But your legacy 

Who are we when we die but pictures and memories, 

Flashbacks living in the imaginations and dreams of the people

We loved

And who love us back 

I will never forget that 

Nor will I fear death 

Because who knows whats waiting on the other side

Courage maybe? 

Remember when your trials get to tribulating 

And your inner fears become your tour guides

Let it go! 

And follow whichever way love takes you 

Follow Love. 

Wherever it may be. 

Love for you will never be what it is for me, 

And that is why God is. 

Destiny's Step Child.

I haven't had this feeling in a while...

Curiosity is yet again getting the best of me. 

It feels so refreshing. 

Like...

A warm bubble bath after a long day of bullshit on the job. 

Or wine before, during, and after a delicious meal. 

Like a long ride to nowhere blasting your favorite rappers new album

(sun shining and windows down, of course)

Shoutout to 2014. 

Not only was that a magnificent album, and I'll get to that in another post... 

But the year was definitely one for the books. 

Not only did they release the iPhone 6, 

But I graduated, TWICE 

God has most certainly been looking out! 

And I'm so thankful.

But I wonder... 

Am I fulfilling my destiny?

...are you?

The way I see it, 

God places us all on our individual paths, 

And the destination is already predetermined.

destiny = destination

So if our paths are already leading us where we're supposed to be 

Why do we hold on to regrets? 

Why do we wish we could've done this or should've done that?

Didn't we do exactly what we needed to do to end up right here

In this moment... right where we are? 

Sometimes I think about some of the crazy choices of my past and feel disappointed 

"If I only knew what I know now..."  "smh" etc. 

But,  how else would I have learned what I know now 

If I had not made those awfully embarrassing,  stupid girl choices? 

Like it or not... 

Acknowledge it or not...

Life seems to have an oddly funny way of always working out. 

I intend on laughing all the way to my destination.

And as I walk down my path, I hope to make as many "wrong turns" and pitstops as possible 

Learning and loving my flaws, quirks,  and strengths

Everything that makes me... me

What do you think... 

Do you think we determine our own destiny? -- By making right or wrong choices.

Or do you think we're already on our paths,  each of us 

Reaping the blessings and paying the tolls of life? 

Enlighten Me. 

Let me know how you feel.

Or don't... and reflect.  Figure out the decision for your self  

Infiniti.

The-CuriousCase...

For those of you that have embarked on this rather exhaustive journey with me, 

Thank you. 

Here is where I have archived my inner most plights of hopefulness.

Frustration. 

And of course, curiosity. 

This experience has logged my bumpy transition from adolescence to adulthood.
For that I am eternally grateful.
But, like all good things my time here has come to an end
It is time now for me to move forward.

Ultimately, It is my goal to reach a level of unforeseen heights.
I want to be classified with the greats.
Winfrey. Angelou. Knowles. Carter. Obama. West. Okonma.
Waters...

When I was younger it was always my dream to be admired
For something phenomenal I did, created, or said...
Then something happened,
I lost sight of that drive for greatness.
I don't know
All of a sudden I became comfortable with mediocracy.

Now, don't misunderstand.
I've still accomplished a phenomenal amount of my goals.
I just know that I am capable of so much more.

We all have the capability to be great.
What separates us,
The average and the distinguished...
Is the way that we view ourselves.

So ask yourself,
Are you worth it?
What are you worth?
Do you have the audacity to strive for the number one spot?

We say to those who compare themselves to legends,
What makes you think you are just as good?
When really we are revealing our own shortcomings.
We are all geniuses,
We are all GOATs.
We are invincible.
We are spectacular.
Untouchable.
Gorgeous.

 Great.

I have no idea what I want to be, or what I'll be admired for.
But what I do know is that...
I have brilliant ideas.
I have the ability to see the beauty in all things.
I have a smile that can illuminate any cloudy day.


This chapter of my life has lasted about 7 years.
Seven.
It has been remarkable typing in the wee hours of the night.
But don't fret.
Greater is coming.

I am constantly curious

So, here I am bidding you all adieu.
Wish me well as I venture into the unknown.
On my path to greatness.

*takes bow*

[22]

I'm still learning what it means to be human, 

To accept the fact that I have flaws. 

We are amazing. 

Our potential is limitless. 

It is up to you 

To believe. 

To really really believe. 

That you are worth it. 

You are worth every smile you bring to the world.

Worth more than any dollar in your bank account. 

Look, 

I know you've fucked up. 

So what? Get over it? 

If you desire something 

You deserve it. 

Go for it. 

Who cares if your too short. 

Or too wide. 

Or if you have a vagina or not. 

Who cares if your homeless 

Or gay, 

Or ugly. 

Nobody cares about your excuses. 

Do you think your dreams will understand? 

If they were to wither away into nothingness 

All because you thought you couldn't achieve them?

Nah. 

Don't you know that everything that exists in the world was once a dream...

Dreamt by somebody, 

That had some major fuck-ups in life. 

Just like you. 

If you haven't learned anything from this 

I just want you to know. 

That you are perfect. 

How you are. 

No choice you made was incorrect. 

No path you paved headed in the wrong direction 

There is no RIGHT way to live. 

Just live it. 

And believe in yourself 

Belive in something greater than yourself 

And strive 

Always strive to be better. 

To be the greatest you

You could ever be, 

Do you thing Beyonce' just so happen to be frickin awesome? 

Nooooooo 

I think she started from the bottom, her bottom 

She believed her dream. 

Believe, 

Believe. 

BELIEVE!

It's important to realized that everyone is different 

What is for you...

Is for you. 

Not her, 

Not him, 

But you. 

Nobody has to understand it but you and your dreams. 

True Life: I am an artist, and I'm sensitive about my $h*t.

Kanye West is a genius ladies and gentlemen,
I lose a little faith in humanity when I realize that not everybody understands that.

I'm a blogger again...
It took me a while to accept that summer was coming to a close.
Summer was fantastic.
Changes...
So much has happened to me over the past months.
I finally feel free.

For a while it felt like I was locked in a cage,
I spent my time searching for the key to unlock it,
whatever it was encapsulating me...

It wasn't until recently that I realized I was never really in captivity,
My thoughts restricted me from my inspirations
My dreams felt distant, my life seemed unreal.
The seasons changed,
I took a look around, assessed my surrounding, and stepped forward.

It's like Badu says in her song 50 feet Tall...


" My love, what did I do
to make you fall, so far from me
And now, I can recall
Cause of the fall, selective memory
Then you, you built a wall
a 20 foot wall so I couldnt see
But if I get off my off my knees
I might recall Im 20 feet tall "

She seemed to be blocked off by some person, 

someone she loved, 

and once she finally thought to take matters in her own hands

she realized that she was just as big as the thing created to shut her out... 

The lover she is directing these statements to,

in my case, is myself 

I built this wall in my imagination, 20 feet high... 

and me, feeling 20cm low 

thought there was no way out. 

Once I started to look around. Evaluate myself, 

and make an effort to remove whatever it was that was holding me back 

I realized that I was enough all along. 

Damn. 

I love the summer time. 

It's filled with so much time to learn. 

Which may seem backwards since school is out, but yea 

I have the time to focus on me and learn about myself. 

It's always some new to be found.


P.S.
Thank God for sending us Steve Jobs...
Thanks to his dreams I get to see the love of my life every single day.
Even when she's millions of miles away.
#DreamBigPeople

"Human Potential is limitless"

HLA

It just so happens that I get my sexual inspiration from a woman

Once everybody understands the theory of relativity, the world will be a better place. 

I find it so mind baffling how we make the world seem so perfect.

Reality shows are poor representation of actual reality 

Reality is we are humans,
Homo-sapiens to be exact,
and sometimes we just so happen to make mistakes.
In reality, it really is okay to make mistakes
because,
in reality, we always have another day.
and if we don't, then that's okay too.

But, what's a mistake to you,
may not be a mistake to someone else
Someone else might think its normal,
and carry on their day.
People are into different shit.
*shrug*

So, with that being said, who are we to judge *question*
Who are we to laugh, comment, or snicker *question*
How would we be able to tell them apart from ourselves,
if we looked in the mirror.

It just so happens that I get my sexual inspiration from a woman

ASW

What more can I say

Random question.

I find it frustrating to illustrate how it is I'm feeling right now.  There seems to be a divide in the nation, in our communities, and in the world. 

Us vs. Them 

Oftentimes people mistake ignorance for power 

For instance take a person classified as being

male

white 

straight

wealthy 

 

he in turn subconsciously sympathizes with some one who is 

female 

black 

gay 

poor 

or if not sympathetic 

feels more important or more intelligent or powerful 

What we need is not sympathy 

in order for there to be equality we need a level of empathy 

We are humans 

first and only 

these definitions are not adding or subtracting from our humaness 

whether or not I was black would be of no importance to a blind man 

and whether or not I was gay should be of no importance to a straight person 

why is it that some people express levels of remorse for those who are different 

No one asked to think or feel or do the things they do 

just as the ant automatically climbs into your picnic basket 

or

strippers learn how to be really flexible 

people do things that are programmed in their brains 

we don't know how. 

but I assume thats why the earliest humans discovered the art of religion. 

Dammit. 

I'm kinda angry 

I sat and saw an interview of a famous rapper being spoken down to 

about being born in a shitty neighborhood 

by people who dont support governmental assistance 

or affordable healthcare 

how dare anybody

Maybe I'm a softy 

Maybe I don't understand that if you want to be important 

you've got to go to really awesome schools in a really nice environments

never get aroused or feel inebriated. 

How is it the RealTV can make a profit by 

going to the poorest neighborhood 

leaving an open car in the middle of the street

 with keys in it 

and arrest people for trying to steal it 

Some people can not eat. 

Some people dont have 4 dollars to get a fucking happy meal at mcdonalds

I know 

if I was hungry and hopeless 

if I couldn't pay my rent or 

if my goals in life was to simply stay alive I would do anything it takes  

People see a homeless man on the streets in the rain or the snow 

and say they prolly not even homeless 

or they just gonna buy drugs 

no! 

its not up to you to decide what the hell they spend their money on 

and obviously if they didn't need the money they would not be squashing their dignity for fun standing on a corner in blistering weather 

sigh 

I dont know anymore 

its not that I lost faith in humanity 

I just believe that the wrong ideas of morality and ethics are expressed 

people look at the rich and believe that money = power 

knowledge and your ability to persuade people to believe you is power 

Thats why I want to be a writer 

to express myself in a way people can hear me 

Why the fuck is tv so important to some people 

our eyes deceive us way more that any of our other senses. 

fuck! 

Basketball wives is not real 

Give us substance and we will produce more substance 

we produce based on the materials afforded to us 

how the fuck am I supposed to pass the SAT

if I dont even have a real teacher 

How the heck is a poor person not gonna steal if they have no way of getting money 

eliminate the problems so clear in our faces 

sick ass kids are born to poor ass families more so than rich ones 

you know the moms who eat super healthy and have time to sit at the pool and read pregnancy fucking books 

but if your poor have to work all day up until 8 months and 29 days before tiger gets here

and has to eat mcdonalds everyday because you dont have time to cook
what the fuck else is gonna happen 

man shit is fucked 

and the only thing I can do about it 

is be empathetic 

relate to people who may be "different" from  me 

because all i in all we're just trynna fight a good fight until we can't anymore. 

*drops mic* 

ADdy 

THere will come a time when you encounter Guilt, or a hater

Don't let anybody rearrange you 

Always be proud 

of the decisions you made 

the people you made smile

those who you made second guess

 

Remember who you are

*Mufasa voice*

I Love You All 

ASW 

Sonic.

I'm sitting here in my living room.

It's 2 o'clock, and my mind is racing...

I'm excited to have the opportunity grow up.

(since a lot of people don't really get a chance to experience this process)

I wonder what kind of grown up I'll be

Since a child, 

I've always done things differently. 

Always wore quirky clothes and 

had "different hair"

and made really weird decisions 

My teachers always took a particular fondness to me. 

Some might even snark and say teacher's pet 

...but darnit I made A's! 

Haters 

But anywho, 

I'm here to reveal a set of goals I have for this summer. 

This is my first summer on my own 

and I'm super stoked!!@#@$$

I hope I do a lot of growing up... 

I'm proud of how far I've come 

but I'm excited to see how far I can fly. 

Summer '13

- Acquire the love of running

- Plant a beautiful flower

- Fall asleep on a beach

- Surprise my mother

- Redecorate my apartment

- Achieve zen in the yoga studio

- Dance my ass off

Let's go

It took me a while to adjust but I'm ready 

It's about to be my last year in college

time to grow up 

I Love You All,

ASW

Back to the Future 6

So, I'm not entirely sure if anybody cared to notice...
But, I just posted a some very RARE and BASED content below.

Keep scrolling nigga
The good shit is right here.

These posts where locked away in the "attic of drafts"
that every blogger has filling up space in their post log
Enjoy the inspiration
Comment,
like,
blah blah blah

#TexasTrill
#bowDaahhn
#dontbeeleemeejuhwah

Truth is...

We all just want to be understood.

I just want to be understood.

I'm me...
How I long for people to appreciate my complexities,

I'm not normal by anyones definition...
Everyday I try my best to be as irregular as possible.
I hate being predicted. I hate being labeled.
I hate being misunderstood.

Not everyone is supposed to get me.
Not everyone will understand the way my mind works.




What is understood requires no explanation...


I refuse however, to push my beliefs onto anyone...
I have to respect others beliefs and not impose mine as if they were superior.

If we all agreed to disagree, there would be no conflict.
As much space there is on this planet,
I am sure people would be able to live harmoniously, differently,
If everyone wasn't so intrigued by transforming others beliefs.
If we took the time to understand why people are the way they are
Maybe things would be less bloody.

We all try.

The Last Dance.

I've been inspiring on here for some time.

That's cool and all... 

I've been in a really blissful state of mind lately. 

But! 

it's Spring Break for me, 

and here I am in my mother's beautiful home 

trapped in a faux blizzard

jealous of my peers having the times of their lives on the beach. 

refreshing my instagram every 20 mins 

refusing to 'like' any of the fun in the sun photos I see. 

bleh. 

With all this spare time I have 

My mind started doing laps around this topic... 

Who do people think they are! 

What is it that makes a lifestyle choice right or wrong__ 

Love whoever you want... 

Fuck whoever you want. 

Be whoever you want  to be! 

I just think its interesting how a person can make a mistake, 

feel guilty, and hope for somebody to show pity on them and forgive them 

yet they turn around and criticize somebody else for making a mistake 

We all fuck up sometimes. 

Why cant we realize that no mans "sin" is lesser or greater than another 

ugh. 

I struggle with letting people in due to my fear of being judged.
It sucks

but I'm working on overcoming it.

I admire people who never give a fuck about people and their ignorances. 

Well I guess I have my answer....

People are so stupid because they just dont know. 

Gay bashers just dont understand the whole butt sex, strap-on shenanigans 

MADD don't understand how exhilerating it must feel to speed in a car after getting plastered 

To whom it may concern:

I love you,
and thats all I really have to say.

This time with you has been
amazing.

Absolutely amazing
and new.

Everyday with you
is like a beautiful movie

Filled with twist and turns
and always a happy ending

You illuminate
my heart and my mind

Thank you
for everything you have brought into my life

You make me smile...

Your smile makes me smile
___________


A lil something from me, 
to you, 
to celebrate a very special day.

I hope everyone had a fantastic Cinco de Mayo'
I love you all,

ASW

8 am in Greensboro

I'm awake...
and naturally my mind is racing

You know,
Sometimes, in life, we have to do things we don't enjoy

so the fuck what.

In order to get where we want to be, in life
perhaps we have to go through some bullshit


I mean think about it...
If it was easy then eeeeeeverybody would do it.
Then what the heck could we be proud of?

not shit.


This makes me think of a good poem
by a good man,
meet Mr. Langston Hughes:

Mother to Son

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor—

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now—

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

I don't know how my moms did it...
She had to put up with my spoiled
ungratefulness
As she worked as hard as she could to support us

I know it was no walk in the park,
nor was it a walk up a beautiful crystal stair
but she did it
and she continues to do it.

So I vow,
to keep climbing these steps.
because I'm gonna make it


and when I do I'm gonna make sure that my mommy has an elevator

Keep your head up little niggas
and never ever give up
no matter how shitty life seems
There is always another day
Another path or another way

"Scrive for essellence"
~Gucci Mane

Chinchilla.

Who told us that it was okay,
to sell ourselves short.

I always forget to keep moving forward.
I keep forgetting that the sky is the limit and
that tomorrow has the ability to be whatever day you want it to be...

My tomorrows gonna be fucking awesome.
I'm gonna wake up to a face that makes me smile
and I'm going to breathe the air I need...
The sun might come out.
Or it may be rainy,
either way,..
It'll be a great day.

"Life is a process..."
says a brilliant minded friend of mind.

And it is indeed.
and the most important part of any process most certainly
is its planning phase.

Planning:
being as prepared as possible.
Being careful however, to not cross that fiery threshold leading to obsession
because that sucks.
Nobody likes an obsessed bitch.




"Live for today, plan for tomorrow, party tonight. "
- Aubrey Drake Graham aka, Drizzy, aka the Jewish Black guy, bka Jimmy

Dammit man.


WE are as powerful as we think we are
...and by we I'm talking to myself.

ASW

I love poetry...

It's something about how the
majestic force allows the beauty of such words.

I believe in the power of words.
Words speak louder than actions,
to me.

Actions are done superflously
happening without knowing
day-to-day mundaneness auto piloting them,
but words, they must be thought about.
Especially written words.
They come from a result of your past actions
a book you read
A movie you saw.
A lesson you've learned.

The key to my heart is to convince me that your words are true...
That there is a genuine place in your soul.
I will take you wherever you want to go.
I will do whatever it takes to make you smile.

I want to be a writer...
I am going to be a writer.

This shit is just so much fun.

I was inspired by so much poetry today...
I must share

ASW

I found that last excerpt in a journal
one of the many journals I have lying around this place
filled with refuge and solace.
words penned in ink and tears.

I thought I'd share that with you,
Thats the first time I put a pre-written piece on here
I enjoyed that feeling so, eventually, I'll do it again.

I wrote that last year at the end of August,
I can't believe how time flies.

Time...
How it heals all of our wounds.
Time, Time, Time
I'm taking physics now
I find it interesting learning about how things work.
It's like math with a purpose,
 You know, because regular math your just learning these stupid equations
for seemingly no reason at all
a reason your professor probably assumes is "fun"

...but physics,
Physics takes those dumb equations and tells a story
 of why things are the way they are.

Everything makes sense.
Hopefully I get an A.

*sigh*
I just think its hilarious how life works.
One second you're on the top of the world
and before you know it you're stuck with your nose in the dirt.
We think we know how things are gonna turn out
but we really never do.
we never do...

Just be thankful for what you got
and what you had
and what you can have,

I'm thankful for what I got,
I got exactly what I was looking for

August 26, 2012

Live...

Sometimes I daydream...
I wonder, and I think
about life.
Regrets pile.
stacked like yesterday's garbage
in the midst of beautiful landfills.
Crystalline.
Decomposing in the corners of my mind.
I cry.
Just as infants when they fall
or break a toy
or want...
I want to live a perfect life.
And as much as I know how
life goes on, and how pain will reappear
just as you finally muster enough courage
to erase its ugly image from your memory
The tears still fall
Just as the leaves, and the fathers, and empires
And then they dry, making room for the growing buds
of Spring


ASW.

It's a Wonderful Life.

Writers block is a bitch!
But I have to overcome it...
I can't not write right now.

I was inspired by my Instagram followers.
And this great ass movie!



It's an enlightening depiction of how valuable of each all of our lives are.
You'll be a better person after you see it... 
 "Don't believe me jeh watch"

But!
As I scrolled down my timeline tonight,
I didn't see as many sad Tweegrams,
I didn't see 'rate me' games,
or 'please look at me and tell me I'm sexy pics'

I saw love...and lots of it.
I saw happy Tweegrams,
and trees (the ones with lights and ornaments),
smiling families, and piles of gifts

Sappy as shit I know but, hey...
Its Christmas!

Christmas is like a reminder...
A huge ass post-it note,
For the people who mean the most to us
Saying "Hey! I love you!"
"Even though you piss me off, I got you this $80 perfume"
or Hey! Even though I haven't talked to you in a year...
"Here this picture of me and my family in our matching sweaters, because I care"
These gifts aren't just fucking presents...
They are reminders of love, appreciation, and gratitude.



But on the other hand,
Sometimes people dont have anyone to share Christmas with...
Or send pointless cards too
Not everyone has a family to buy gifts for.
What then?
Then its up to us,  people with love to spare...
To reach out to these fine folks and be a blessing to them.
Love them,
That's what Christmas is really about.

 

What a fine way to end a year,
Merry Christmas everybody.


yea....

Wicked Games

I was in the right place at the right time at church yesterday morning...
A few tears fell from my eyes.
But that was just because I'm a pansy

Nonetheless, in that moment I realized
that everything really is, going to be okay.
It was as if my life flashed before me,
All of my accomplishments were highlighted
and all of my fears seemed arbitrary.

It's funny how life at a glance can make the bad times seem more significant than the good times. But a stare can make the even worst of times seem good...

I'll be okay.
I've always been okay.
Things may not be perfect,
but I think its the imperfections
that motivates me to keep moving forward.

I am in a really good place right now.
It's sort of difficult to describe exactly how I've been feeling lately.
But everything feels right.
Even when I'm having a bad day, it still feels right.
It's crazy how you can get everything you ask for,

I'm interested to see where this can go.
and I enjoy spending time with you...
I like who I am around you, myself
I admire your personality
your kindness. your touch.
I'm interested in learning more about you, and
I'm eager to share more about myself.

There's a lot to me.
Me and Shrek have a whole lot in common...
You know, the whole onion situation.
I'm getting better with this "opening up" thing
It's kinda cool in a show n' tell kinda way.
I'm confident.

Any who!
Enough of all that jazz.
I'm just happy.
And I just want to leave on this note,
To everyone who has ever doubted me,
taken advantage of me,
 ridiculed me,  hurt me,
or fucked with me...
Thanks nigga,
Cuz obviously I had some shit to learn, because that made me
who I am right now... and I like it.
I love who I am right now.
I'm always going to have room to grow, and thats cool...
If I ain't growing I ain't living,
I gotta live,
Can I live?!?

I used to hate texting, because I never knew how or what to say,
Now I can't get enough.


I Love You All,
Addy

Made in America.

"What we behold before our eyes is what we've been holding in our minds..."

- Rick Beneteau

Nobody hates bullshit more than me. 

...and these past months leading up to the election 

have been a bunch of bullshit!

I mean come on,  

We knew who we were, and what we stood for. 

By we I mean America. 

Freedom to us has nothing to do with race,

or money, 

or sex, 

or who you wanna have sex with... 

WE knew what we believed it

We are constantly distracted. 

The way the media twists shit up to make you hate life 

and everybody in it. 

Now

I know things are far from perfect, 

but at least we're here. 

At least we stood in those lines, and knocked on those doors, 

made phone calls, tweeted... 

Or posted one of those ignorant ass pictures on instagram

You did it. 

WE did it. 

I can't wait for a day there aren't anymore demographics

When we are no longer called "minorities"

One day people aren't going to be categorized

One day...

So the next time you downplay how far society has come.

Remember how you felt last night. 

Remember that sigh of relief you took 

We already knew he was going to win... 

Deep down. 

We just got distracted by all the bullshit news coverage, "experts", and polls

Fuck all that. 

Never give in, never lose faith

All is takes is a little bit of 

HOPE