Egyptian Cotton

Exhaling is the only medicine I need right now. 

You know how you can feel so sick and icky, and you go to the doctor 

Hoping that they'll know how to take the pain away, to help you feel better 

and all they do is tell you to rest and drink fluids...

That's how I feel right now. 

Constantly reeling. Hoping for relief from the spiraling thoughts, despair and confusion/ 

And all that I know how to do is breath. move my body and of course... 

write. 

It's been over ten years since I've visit this writing space. 

A haven for me before the possibility of monetization or potential to become a mogul on the internet. 

This blog. 

The very raw very real very ridiculous emotions of the girl that found everything curious. 

I can't describe how good it feels to be here. 

I think I'm officially a grown-up. 

I have a family and a job... too many responsibilities. 

and plenty of anxiety. 

Despite life's attempts to mold me into a pretty shape, which sharp edges

I've managed to maintain the essence of who I am. 

I think that's the root of some of my worries. 

Am I really so far away from who I thought I'd be? 

The girl who barely combed her hair and blasted Devin the Dude. Is she proud of the person I am? 

And when I think that girl was always an overachiever, she was always doing the "right thing"

But she also did her own thing. 

Just like I'm doing now. 

I'm reading this gnarly book. 'The Bood Keeps the Score' by this guy with a long Dutch name. 

And I'm totally locked in. He's dedicated his life to helping us make sense of our brains. 

He recounts so many ways we adjust our behavior and our thinking to stay alive to stay as safe as possible even when outside factors can't be controlled. 

Our brains and our bodies have a way of reaching towards the sun--like a sunflower. 

Through trauma and abuse and fear and loss, we still try 

Sometimes subconsciously, often times despite our best efforts, we survive. 

And that reminder, this detailed proclamation that my body is there for me, is humbling. 

I can't help but pause in gratitude, take a deep breath and feed it what it needs--oxygen. And let it all out into the world. 

I've been really wrapped up in looking for the external validation that I am cared for or protected and understood, but I really needn't to look any further that my own reflection. 

These hands I have that offer up my thoughts, my mouth I use to advocate for weirdos of the world. The love I give to everyone, That is more than enough to prove to myself that I am worthy of all of the glory life has to offer.  

So, no... I might not ever be understood--and you might not either. 

But I will forever stay curious. The possibilities are far too great to live within the limits of my current understanding. 

I stumbled upon a scripture today that is grounding for those of us who've struggle with abandonment issues: 

So like... what is this loneliness I feel? If there is a force protecting me, guiding me, seeing me, why haven't I noticed it?

What would happen if I realized that I am here because I have not been forgotten or left for dead. I am living because all of life's systems are working together for my good. 

However scary the path. I'm walking forward. Because I... 

ME. 

Adrian Shanay. 

Am loved, 

just the way I am.